The instrument that I utilize with engaged couples, Prepare & Enrich, reveals areas of compatibility and incompatibility within the relationship. Sometimes couples whose assessment scores indicate that they have considerably more areas of incompatibility, can be discouraged when I reveal these results. I have three tips that I implement when working with these, oftentimes, concerned couples.

One tip that I have for couples who find themselves in this position is to encourage
them to reframe the term incompatible. Instead of dwelling on the negative
connotation that the word incompatibility can conjure up, I focus on the fact that
they are a complementary couple that can provide balance for each other. For
example, if one partner is an extrovert and the other partner is an introvert, they
can balance each other out by getting the introvert engaged in more social
activities. The introverted partner can encourage more “hunkering down at home”
time for the extrovert.

Another tip deals with the concept that, oftentimes, seemingly incompatible
couples will need to initially work harder than more compatible ones. The less
compatible couples typically need to be more intentional about working on their
relationship which usually leads to healthier marriages. Such tasks as reading
books, getting additional counseling, and learning new ways to communicate, can
often result in bearing more fruit than couples that score high on compatibility.

Lastly, I remind these types of couples that areas of compatibility can change over
time. Preferences, desires, energy levels, and even personalities can fluctuate
over the course of decades. My desire is that the engaged couples that I work
with will have long-lasting and healthy marriages. This can be accomplished, in
part, by focusing on ways in which they complement each other, working diligently
to meet in the middle in difficult areas, and remembering that their compatibility
will wax and wane over time.

Denise Payne, MS
Certified Career Coach